Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Jane Eyre franchise to be rebooted ~ with a twist

July 1, 2011 9:24am EST

Justin Bieber will star in 'Jon Eyre'
"I may be poor and plain, but I'm not without feelings"

by Alaina Phillips-Walker

In the world of gothic romance stories, Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre has ruled as queen for nearly a century and a half.

The most recent screen interpretation was directed quite recently in 2011 by Cary Fukunaga, starring Mia Wasikowska as Jane Eyre and Michael Fassbender as Mr. Rochester, and was both a critical success and a box office smash.

There seems to be an unwritten rule in Hollywood that Victorian novels are generally remade in intervals of not less than 15 years apart.  (1996's version of Jane Eyre was directed by Franco Zeffirelli and starring William Hurt as Mr. Rochester and Charlotte Gainsbourg as Jane.)

So why attempt a remake so soon?

Wildly successful French director Jean Hijab Pinault explains:

"This is not just a remake.  It's got a certain twist.  Instead of repeating the past mistake of simply rehashing the classic story, we're infusing new life into it.  New blood."

Jon Eyre is set for a 2013 release and will feature pop star Justin Bieber in the titular role.

"Justin was actually more interested in drama before he was handed a microphone and discovered that he had a fantastic singing voice," says Pinault.

Bieber will play the role of Jon, the orphaned and initially impoverished lad who after a horrific upbringing at Lowood Boys Home eventually finds himself in the employ of Mrs. Rochester (Kathy Bates) as a French teacher for her young charge Adelphin (a young male role that is yet uncast).

In keeping with the novel, young Jon will be portrayed as highly esteeming traditional morality – in particular by refusing to marry Mrs. Rochester until she is widowed.  It is hoped that this pleases fans of the novel and the previous film versions, despite the radical change of gender in the principal character.

Mrs. Rochester will be seen as far less a perfect moral figure. She is, indeed, a sinner: she attempts to enter into a bigamous marriage with Jon and, when that fails, tries to persuade him to become her Victorian-era "boy toy".

Also starring in a relatively minor, though pivitol role, is Brad Pitt as Bert, Mrs. Rochester's mentally ill husband, still alive, and secretly living in the attic.

Initially afraid that Pitt would not be interested in such a small role, Pinault says "Bradley jumped at the opportunity.  Not a lot of people know this, but he's a huge fan of Jane Austen's novels.  Although he had not heard of 'Jane Eyre' before we spoke, I explained to him that it was just like 'Pride & Prejudice' only with even more of a 'gothic' feel to it.  He came on board without any hesitation."

Currently filming at Shepperton Studios in England and in Victoria, Canada, the producers of Jon Eyre are hoping for a limited release early in the Spring of 2013.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

New DVD Release: Avatar Immersion

Dec 6 2010 4:22 PM EST

'Immersion' Offers a New Experience
DVD ensemble to revolutionize home theater.

By Chen Xiaochao

Just 6 weeks after surpassing a record $1 Trillion dollars in box office receipts, DVD sales, and rentals, the makers of ‘Avatar” are poised to raise the bar even higher with the newest Blu-ray DVD release of the blockbuster hit.

On Monday, December 6, 2010, James Cameron’s production company Alien Medicine announced the release of ‘Avatar: Immersion’, a product that gives the term “multi-media” new meaning.

The package is nearly identical to the recently released Panasonic 3D Ultimate Pack (with 'Avatar' on Blu-ray 3D and 2 pairs of 3D glasses) with three important additions.

"We wanted to offer our viewers an opportunity to totally immerse themselves in the Pandoran experience.  A chance to 'be' one of the Na'vi," said spokesperson Bella Katt-Collins.

'Avatar Immersion' includes the following accessories:
  • An electrical extension cord disguised as braided pony tail, which can be used either to simply plug your Blu-ray player into the wall, or it can be clipped to the back of your head.
  • Height-enhancing shoe inserts.  These "lifts" can make you up to half an inch taller, mimicking the greater size of the indigenous people of Pandora.
  • Skin dye in the form of pills taken internally eight hours before viewing.

Test-released in Toronto, Canada, 'Avatar Immersion' was greeted with wild enthusiasm by fans of the epic James Cameron film.

Critics were not as willing to embrace the product, specifically the skin dye, until further testing has been done and the results publicly released.

"This has not been approved by the HPFB [Health Products and Food Branch, the Canadian equivalent of the United States' FDA] and as far as I know, use of this blue dye might potentially have long-term, unexpected consequences," said consumer advocate Cary Gold of the Toronto-based coalition Freedom of Safety First.

The dye in question is Cerulean1841, long used in the commercial plumbing industry to detect the source of leaks in high-rise building water systems.

"The skin dye, which is an important part of the immersion experience," says Katt-Collins, "is completely safe if used as directed".

Canadian fan Saol Rubattino at peak skin hue
The detailed instructions included with 'Avatar Immersion' recommend not only ingesting the pills 8 hours before the desired DVD viewing, but also to begin drinking apple juice 2 hours before to begin the detoxification process.

The dye can last up to 16 hours past the peak skin coloring.  Viewers who ingest the pills are encouraged to also have on hand anti-motion sickness medication, which seems to calm any urges to engage in violent vomiting.

Sources have uncovered that negotiations between the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) and Cameron's production company, in progress since the Spring, have recently been concluded, and there will be no impediment by the FDA to the release of 'Avatar Immersion'.

Fans who have any question about the use of Cerulean1841 dye are encouraged to contact either James Cameron's production company Alien Medicine or their local Poison Control Center.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

'Avatar' Ends Mysterious Box-Office Slump

NOTE: The following "news report" is fake:

Feb 9 2010 7:35 PM EST

'Avatar' Ends Mysterious Box-Office Slump

Experts baffled as to reasons for downturn.

By Mitchell D Johannsen

At the end of 2009, as a blizzard locked down much of the Northeast in an icy mess, "Avatar" got off to an impressive but not record-shattering start, collecting $77 million in its first three days in theaters after its December 18 release.  In the seven weeks following, however, it reigned supreme as the world's top movie.  "Avatar" was king!

But the magic suddenly ended on or around the evening of January 30 when "Avatar" fell nearly 25 percent for a weekend total of $24 million. Finally, the country's champion had been dethroned, seemingly for no reason, after an impressive seven-week reign at the box office.

Box office reports however, gathered earlier this evening show that "Avatar" has bounced back, and is again, now more than ever, the country's most popular film. Experts who have been studying the mysterious sudden decline during the last ten days are completely baffled as to the cause or causes.

"Whatever the reason," said industry analyst Eleanor Harcourt, "it's evidently a very powerful, mysterious force that we just don't understand at present."

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Palpatine Ticked

Palpatine Angry over Unauthorized Use of Baby Photo
By Aimes Black
UNITED STATES - An ancient photograph, discovered by ad agency Walsh, Kirk and Williams (New York, USA) and used to sell Georgia-Pacific's Angel Soft® unscented bathroom tissue, may no longer grace the package of toilet paper if the paper manufacturer complies with an unofficial "cease and desist order" issued on Friday.

"Because of the extreme age of the photograph," said WK&W spokesman David Mulkins, "we felt certain that any copyright that may have existed must have expired by now. We continue to assert that legally the photograph is in the public domain."

Mulkins would not disclose exactly how they came into possession of the photograph approximately three years ago. He did confirm that the photograph is indeed of His Imperial Majesty Emperor Palpatine of the Galactic Empire, Leader of the Imperial Senate, and was taken when he was approximately 10 months old.

Palpatine at 10 Months on Angel Soft
The photograph in question as it appears on the package (courtesy Georgia-Pacific)

Further mystery surrounds exactly who was able to travel so far back in time and so far across space so as to alert the former Senator Palpatine, shortly after solidifying his position as Emperor.

The Emperor has reportedly dispatched a small squadron of Imperial Stormtroopers to "rectify the situation", according to an unnamed source, speaking on condition of anonymity.

The Stormtroopers, although successful in traveling through space and time into the future, unfortunately did not account for the rotation of the earth, and are currently in Hawaii, attempting to board a Hawaiian Airlines flight to New York City. Complications involving having to remove their helmets, and trying to explain why they all look exactly alike, are causing unexpected delay.

dog emperor11
Emperor Palpatine (file photo)

© 2009 Los Angeles Times